Marriage, Money, & Misunderstandings: Navigating Our Differences

Introduction

Before we dive deep, I’ve got a little confession to make. I’ve often considered myself a student of human behavior and relationships. No, I’m not a psychologist or even a counselor. But I’ve poured hundreds of hours into understanding what makes us tick, what binds us, and what, sometimes painfully, drives us apart.

My own life has been a vivid tapestry of experiences, to include a significant chunk of it spent wading through the wild and inconsistent tides of marriage. One marriage crashed onto the shores of reality and another that’s currently sailing smoothly (touch wood).

When I look back at my own divorce and juxtapose it against my current marriage, certain patterns become hard to ignore. One of the most underrated, yet intensely impactful, of these patterns revolves around our beliefs and attitudes about money – called our ‘money scripts’.

These aren’t casual opinions we form on the fly; they’re deeply entrenched beliefs rooted in our childhood, shaped by watching our parents, early exposures, personal traumas, and sometimes even societal norms.

Our personal relationship with money, influenced by these scripts, can manifest in our personal relationships, especially in marriage. It’s not just about who’s paying the bills or how much we’re saving – it’s about the power dynamics, the trust, the shared dreams and sometimes, the unspoken fears and insecurities.

Money, as they say, can’t buy love. But let me tell you – our attitudes towards it can damn well influence the dynamics of our relationships.

Through my lens, both as someone who’s experienced the highs and lows of marriage, and as an observer of human behavior, I want to delve deep into this nuanced aspect of relationships. So, let’s unpack this overlooked aspect of marriage and maybe, just maybe, offer a compass for those sailing through similar stormy marital waters.

The Concept of Money Scripts

In the theater of life, we’re all actors, reciting lines from scripts we didn’t consciously write. In the realm of finances, these unconscious scripts play out in the decisions we make, the fears we harbor, and the dreams we chase. Let’s delve into what I mean by ‘money scripts’.

What are Money Scripts?

Money scripts, in essence, are the deeply held and often unconscious beliefs about money that shape our financial behaviors. Rooted predominantly in our formative years, they’re impressions we’ve gathered from our parents, the socio-economic environments we grew up in, or significant financial events in our past.

Whether it’s a childhood memory of our parents fighting about bills or the pride we felt when we bought our first toy with a saved up allowance, these experiences write our money scripts. And even as adults, while we think we’re making informed and logical decisions about money, it’s these scripts that often have the final say.

Four Types of Money Scripts

1. Avoidance: This script manifests in those who see money as a source of fear, anxiety, or disgust. They often avoid thinking about or dealing with their finances, resulting in potential financial self-sabotage. Think of those who dread checking their bank balances or avoid financial discussions at all costs.

2. Worship: For the worshipers, money is seen as the solution to all problems and the key to happiness. The belief here is that more money will inevitably solve life’s challenges. This can lead to an endless chase for wealth, sometimes at the cost of personal relationships or health.

3. Status: This is the script of equating self-worth with net worth. Those with a status script often believe that money reflects their success in life. It can lead to a lifestyle of conspicuous consumption, where spending is geared more towards showing off rather than genuine needs or desires.

4. Vigilance: People with a vigilance script are always alert and careful about money. They prioritize saving, are wary of spending, and are always on the lookout for potential financial threats. While being vigilant is generally positive, taken to an extreme, it can lead to undue anxiety or an inability to enjoy one’s financial achievements.

As we journey through this discussion, it’s worth noting that none of us are tied to a single script. Life is complex, and our beliefs about money can be a mix of these archetypes. The challenge, especially in a marriage, is when partners operate from conflicting scripts. But before we dive into that, let’s take a moment to understand why recognizing our money script is so pivotal.

How Money Scripts Impact Marriages

Marriage, at its best, is a harmonious blending of lives, aspirations, and dreams. However, toss money into this mix and you have a recipe that can either flavor the relationship deliciously or spoil the broth altogether. From my personal forays into marriage – both the heartbreak of the one that ended and the vibrant love in my present – I’ve realized that our invisible money scripts often pull the strings of marital discord. Here’s how:

Different Scripts, Different Views

Imagine this: You’re all set for a night out with your partner, dressed to the nines, ready to paint the town red. But the moment your partner asks to go shopping for designer clothes before stepping into that swanky, overpriced restaurant downtown, there’s an almost palpable tension in the air.

It’s the clashing of money scripts: yours, which cautiously whispers “Save. Protect. Beware.” against your partner’s which is screaming “Spend it, flaunt it, enjoy it!” This isn’t just fiction – this was my reality.

I often found myself caught in this push and pull between a vigilance script, where I associated every expenditure through a lens of potential threats and future needs, and my partner’s contrasting status script, where they associated money with pleasure and happiness.

The result? Arguments that began with finances but bled into other aspects of our relationship, masking deeper issues of trust, understanding, and validation.

Communication Breakdowns

Money discussions are, in many ways, like walking through a minefield. One misstep and BOOM – there’s an explosion. Unresolved money scripts only heighten this volatility. I’ve been there, arguing about an innocuous Amazon purchase, only to realize later that the real issues were our conflicting beliefs about money, not the purchase itself.

In my previous marriage, a simple conversation about vacation planning could spiral into a heated debate about values, life goals, and individual priorities. I viewed many vacations as extravagant expenses, especially when there were other financial obligations looming. She saw them as investments in memories and needed leisure.

The deeper we dug our heels into our respective money scripts, the more our communication suffered.

Influencing Financial Decisions

Every decision about money, be it the mundane choice of which brand of cereal to buy or the impactful ones like buying a home, is tinted by our money scripts.

In my current marriage, navigating our distinct money scripts has been a learning curve. A few years ago, after we sat down to discuss future purchases, our scripts made a grand appearance. I was all for that lavish home theater system, arguing it would be an ‘experience enhancer’ for family movie nights.

You see, my dad was a big action movie buff. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were practically royalty growing up. To me, movie nights are how fathers’ bond with kids. My wife, while not against the idea, voiced concerns about its practicality and referenced the remodel we just made to the house.

It wasn’t a disagreement but rather a dance of our differing money beliefs. And a recognition of which scripts were playing out for each of us, and why.

The key takeaway is this: every financial decision, big or small, is influenced by our personal money scripts. It’s not about right or wrong scripts. It’s about recognizing them, understanding their origin, communicating openly about them, and co-authoring a shared financial narrative that honors both partners.

After all, it’s not just about managing money; it’s about managing a life together. Trust me, having walked both paths, it’s a journey worth embarking on.

Recognizing Your Own Money Script

If there’s one thing my marriage experiences have reinforced, it’s the importance of understanding your relationship with money. It’s not just about the digits in your bank account, but the stories and beliefs that accompany them.

Digging deep into our money scripts is like embarking on a personal archaeological dig; what you discover can be revelatory.

The Money Mirror: Reflective Questions

Before diving into any assessment, lets warm up the introspective engines with some reflective questions:

Growing up, what was a regular money phrase or belief you heard at home? (E.g., “Money doesn’t grow on trees” or “You have to work hard to earn a penny.”)

Describe a pivotal financial moment from your childhood. Was it a crisis, a windfall, or maybe watching a family member struggle to manage their finances?

How do you feel after a major purchase? Instant regret, satisfaction, indifference, or perhaps a mix of emotions?

What’s your biggest financial fear? Is it losing everything, not having enough to retire, or maybe feeling left behind by peers?

If those questions got the wheels turning, then you’re in for a treat. I offer you the opportunity to take the Klontz Money Script Inventory (KMSI) assessment. This assessment will go deeper into your subconscious beliefs about finances.

Enter your email below so that I can send it your way, for free. It’s an enlightening necessary step, trust me!

The Key: Self-awareness

At the heart of all this lies a simple truth: self-awareness is pivotal. Recognizing and understanding your money script can transform financial discussions from battlegrounds into bridges. In my own journey, understanding my dominant money script wasn’t about me being ‘right’ or her ‘wrong’. It also wasn’t about changing it; it was about harnessing its power for mutual benefit.

When two partners can respect and understand their individual scripts, they lay down the foundation for a financial marriage dance that is harmonious, respectful, and mutually beneficial.

In the end, it’s not about the money. It’s about the stories we attach to it and how we can co-author a better financial narrative in our relationships. Remember, by knowing yourself, you empower your relationship.

Tips for Navigating Money Scripts in Marriage

As I’ve learned firsthand, marriage is a dance. A dance of emotions, of egos, and of experiences. When it comes to the subject of money, instantly that dance can turn from slow dancing to a Chris Stapleton song into trying to survive a mosh pit at a Korn concert.

Here’s the secret, though: the music can be controlled. By understanding our deeply rooted beliefs about money and recognizing them in our partners, we can choreograph a dance that feels more practiced than a Jerry Rice number on Dancing with the Stars.

Let’s not just talk around this topic and forget the lesson as soon as the article is done. Here are some actionable steps you can take to reinforce change:

Open Dialogue: The Power of Starting the Conversation

It might seem challenging, but initiating an open, honest, and non-judgmental conversation about money is a game-changer. Dive into those uncomfortable memories or stories from the past that shaped your financial beliefs. My own journey, from a failed marriage to a thriving one, taught me that transparency is golden.

Empathy and Understanding: Walking a Mile in Their Shoes

It’s easy to dismiss our partner’s views on money as ‘wrong’ or ‘illogical’. But these scripts are formed over lifetimes, often in childhood. They’re a culmination of experiences, teachings, and observations. So, before you roll your eyes at your partner’s reluctance to invest or their penchant for saving, try understanding the story behind it. In my current marriage, I’ve found peace by recognizing where our scripts come from, and it’s made all the difference.

Seek Counseling or Therapy: The Neutral Mediator

There’s no shame in seeking external help. Sometimes, our financial disagreements are just the tip of the iceberg, and having a neutral party can help in navigating the turbulent waters beneath. It was a marriage counselor who first introduced me to the concept of money scripts, and it was a revelation.

Set Shared Financial Goals: Finding Common Ground

Money scripts can be individual, but financial goals? They should be collective. Setting joint objectives, whether it’s buying a house, saving for a vacation, or planning retirement, can serve as a bridge over the chasm of differing money beliefs. In my journey, aligning our goals has been like facing our oars the same direction in the rowboat of life.

Educate Together: The Couple That Learns Together, Grows Together

Dive into the world of finances together. Take an online course, read a finance newsletter together, or even pick up a book on relationships and financial management. Shared knowledge not only elevates the conversation but also ensures you’re both on the same page. The more you know, the more you grow.

Remember that every dance has its missteps. But with understanding, empathy, and open dialogue, you can ensure that your marital financial dance is as graceful as it is informed. Here is why I’m such a believer in financial education: money isn’t just currency; it’s emotion, its belief, it’s history. Understand it, and you understand a part of yourself and your partner.

Conclusion

I’ve journeyed through the rollercoaster of relationships, with money often playing the unexpected loop or treacherous turn. There’s no denying it: money scripts have a substantial impact on our marriages. These deep-rooted beliefs shape our choices, reactions, and interactions with our partners. By recognizing and understanding these scripts, we have the power to rewrite our marital narrative.

I implore every couple to dive deep, to challenge their beliefs and perceptions about money, and to embark on this journey of understanding together. Your relationship deserves that investment. Through shared learning, empathy, and dialogue, you can fortify your bond, ensuring it’s not just about shared finances, but shared dreams, aspirations, and a mutual path to growth.

The Money Chief